101 Excuses to call off Work

 Jean M. Jackson

November 2000

1. I took off my shoes, and my feet smelled so bad that my wife passed out and hit her head. I'm at the hospital.

2. My husband left this morning for a week of deer hunting. I am celebrating. 

3. I finished paying off the child support. Now I can really live.

4. Our first grandchild was born last night. I've been up all night giving out advice.

5. My wife asked me for a divorce, citing I was a deadbeat. I got to get an attorney before she changes her mind. 

6. I'm in jail. So I can't make bail. So I can't make work.

7. It was our anniversary yesterday. Wanted to cook my wife something special she'll never forget. Well, I burned the house down. At least I know she'll remember that.

8. We had a big fight last night. I've got to patch things up before the wife finds out.

9. Took the kids to a riding stable yesterday. One the horse stepped on my foot. I can hardly walk.

10. I have to take m mother-in-law to the Doctor. No one else has a boss as understanding as I do.

11. My grandson colored my prescription glasses and I didn't notice. I could see the lights change and ended up at the beach.

12. Its just too hot to work. I am going swimming.

13. My water froze. Everyone is complaining and smells.

14. My furnace broke and I'm frozen to the couch.

15. City wide garage sales.

16. Ive got a bad case of spring fever.

17. My father demanded we go to a baseball game. We all know the saying respect our elders. Besides, he is paying.

18. The snow was so deep, I couldn't find my front door.

19. It's raining cats and dogs. I'm not risking getting hit by one, so I'll just stay home.

20. It's my birthday.

21. The goldfish was looking a little blue today. I'm playing upbeat music. Its not really helping, but incase it dies I'll have to flush it before the kids com home from school.

22. My dog is having puppies and I really wanna watch up close.

23. My dogs psychic is coming today. We have been on the waiting list for months.

24. My cat is sick. Its an emergency vet call kind of day.

25. My dog hid my keys. Can't make it in.

26. My birds feathers are falling out. I think it is sign of depression.

27. Our new puppy at my work shoes again.

28. My Boa Constrictor escaped. There's lots of screaming.

29. I gave blood today. Thank me later.

30. If the state workers get a day off, I damn sure do too.

31. My car is making a funny noise. Kind of sounds like '' wapppppapapapapapapapapa."

32. My friend just received a piloting license. Well, he took me for a ride. Never again. He did all kinds of rolls and stunts. I feel terrible. He said he would be happy to take you up next, though.

33. I'm sure my neighbor was on the episode of Most Wanted last night. I told the police I would watch him until they arrived.

34. My horoscope said that gambling will bring me great wealth. I'm not taking any chances.

35. Too tired to work today. I think I'll just go fishing.

36. I can't leave the bathroom long enough to make it into work.

37. Its leap year. Today doesn't really exist.

38. My neighbors cows are out and eating up all my grass in the back. I'll get even. I'm having steak for dinner.

39. I think I have The Hungarian Flu.

40. My six dollar haircut isn't even worth two cents. You won't catch my outside today.

41. My car died on the highway yesterday. Today, I have to bury it.

42. Played cards all night till the sun rose and won. Goodnight.

43. Flat tire with no spare.

44. I need a whole day off. The kids drive me crazy.

45. My husband is sick. Keeps whining about feeling like he's dying.

46. My wife is sick. I have to stay home and catch the T.V. I mean the kids.

47. My kid is sick so the babysitter gave him back.

48. My wife tried poisoning me last night.

49. My In-laws are coming for dinner. I'd rather be eat tree roots than be here.

50. Kids plugged all the toilets with things from the kitchen to make potions. Lucky me gets to clean it.

51. My boyfriend is supposed to come over. I have to wait for my husband to leave first.

52. My girlfriend says I'm not spending quality time with her. She's the boss. 

53. My mother said I must shop with her or else. Now I know I am an adult, but that or else was said with pure evil.

54. My daughter thought she was helping with the laundry and now all of my uniforms are neon pink. I am NOT wearing them.

55. We have a tradition of going to the opening day of baseball season, and eating 15 hotdogs. I am not going to be the one to break that tradition. Ill be the Meaner Wiener forever.

56. Flock of birds pooped on my car. Now I'm thinking of getting a white wrap. It'll take all day to decide.

57. I won five hundred dollars.

58. I lost five hundred dollars. 

59. Kids took the car last night and left me gasless.

60. My night to cook. How do you cook? You know what, where's the best takeout? This will take me all say.

61. My wife's great aunt died and the funeral is today. If I miss it, she'll kill me next.

62. I'm officially divorced today so I am celebrating.

63. My wife having a bad hair day. In this house, no man gets left behind.

64. I just got married and my wife said she'd divorce me if I left. Women, am I right?

65. My wife finally gave into letting me get a boat for fishing. 

66. I was warming up the car and locked myself out. No spare. At least it'll be warm later.

67. I slipped and kneed my back.

68. You people drive me crazy.

69. On assignment with the secret service.

70. That twelve pack I drank didn't help. I'm getting another twenty-four.

71. My computer has a virus. I'm going to try giving it Tylenol.

72. This game is too addicting. I'll show you it tomorrow.

73. I read my name in the Obituary's today. Figured that was a good reason to stay home.

74. Yesterday's work was the biggest pain in the ass. It's still hurting today.

75. I'm having a bad day and I am sure going to work wont help you.

76. My hair is green now. I wanted brown.

77. I received a Dear John letter. I am now so upset.

78. I'm not putting this book down now.

79. I need a fix. I am having a Big Mac Attack.

80. My doctors told me to reduce stress. Can't come in, it's Doctor's Orders.

81. My toothbrush fell into the toilet. The stores are closed for another four hours. I am not coming to work without brushing my teeth. And if you think I am using that one, think again mister.

82. Friends from out of town showed up.

83. My house is being fumigated. I just wanted a peak.

84. I have a migraine.

85. The storm last night blew a tree right on top the neighbor's house. I am on the community watch.

86. Train blocking the only road out of town. I'm thinking of hoping on.

87. I worked pretty hard yesterday.

88. No electricity water, or COFFEE. Just forget I exist.

89. I'm helping my friend move. His wife kicked him out because he's been secretly eating pillow stuffing. I have to be there for my friend.

90. I have absolutely no clean clothes.

91. There is a full moon tonight. I have to be ready for all the crazy's I know will be out to get me.

92. I caught a bug. Until I find out who it belongs to, I won't be in.

93. I broke the mirror. More bad luck. Ill have to stay home where it is safe.

94. I was abducted by aliens last night. It's confusing but I hope they come back again today.

95. Doctors appointment. Pap smear. 

96. Woke up with a chip in my tooth. My dentist is really gonna go to town now.

97. Friend of the family died. I didn't know him, but my wife's, brother's, sisters', Aunt's grandson did.

98. My Alzheimer's Has flared. Where, even, do I work?

99. The babysitter ran off with the husband. Thank heavens. He wasn't that good at his job anyways.

100. the car was making a weird sound. I tried fixing it my taking it apart. I seem to be having trouble putting it back together again.

101. I WON THE LOTTERY. YOU CAN KISS MY ASS GOODBYE!